I'm lost and stupid without you.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
