Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
