ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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