Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
