OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
