how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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