Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
