Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
