Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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