some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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