you win again, gameday.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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