batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
