My liver just broke up with me...
My hand turned me down
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
