WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
