i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
