she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I think a kid would responsible me up
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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