She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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