My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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