I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
