Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
