It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
