I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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