y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize