her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
