I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I am spending my child support on dildos
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
