Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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