the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
