I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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