Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Randomize
