Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
