yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
