Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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