Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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