i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Randomize
