So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
