I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
True college students do jello shots in the library
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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