Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
