mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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