Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
