how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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