dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
