his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
