Too much gin, very little bucket
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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