Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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