I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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