Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
