perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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