dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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