wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
