i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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