I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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