The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I need to calm my uterus...
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
