can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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