pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
