I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
