Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
