You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize