he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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