I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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