Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
