My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
